Taco Salad the Bachelor Way
(originally appeared in culturecloud)

Left to their own devices, many single men give up all thought of a home-cooked meal and resort to delivery pizza or Chinese, drive-through fast food, or— worst of all— the highly suspect bar menu at the local dive. But it doesn't have to be this way! There are many recipes with a surprisingly high simplicity-to-deliciousness ratio that not only satisfy on the first pass, but yield ample leftovers for the next night (or morning). For your culinary consideration, I therefore submit:

Taco Salad the Bachelor Way

Serves one or two with leftovers, or three with maybe a smallish serving left; four would be pushing your luck.

You'll need:

• 1 bag Fritos (the regular kind, not the king-size dipping ones)
• 1 pound ground beef
• 1 packet taco seasoning (Lowry's, El Paso, etc.)
• 1 brick cheddar cheese
• 1 head iceberg lettuce (the kind that looks like cabbage, like your old man used to put on those lame dad-burgers— not the butter lettuce your last girlfriend had)
• several tomatoes (roma, beefsteak, on-the-vine— whatever looks reddest)
• a couple of avocados— squeeze a few to find a soft one; if they're all hard, skip it
• sour cream (can substitute plain low-fat or nonfat yogurt if you're watching your waistline, you big girl)
• salsa of choice (I highly recommend Mrs. Renfro's)
• bong (optional)
• six-pack (required)

Start by browning the beef in a skillet. Mush it around to make sure it all breaks up. While this is happening, hit the bong, if available (just a small one— you've got a fair amount of recipe still to get through). Otherwise, drink approximately one-half of your first beer.

When the beef is pretty evenly browned, drain some of the fat with a spoon, shake the taco seasoning over it, and add a half-cup of water or so, and keep it on the heat until the water is mostly gone (if the instructions on the back of the seasoning packet say something different, go with their version. What am I, Emeril Lagasse?) Then put it on the back burner.

Now, the fixings— this is the fun part (not counting eating, which is the most fun of all).

Grate about one-third of the cheese brick into a clean cereal bowl. Apply Band-Aid to shredded knuckle. Grate another third of the brick. Reserve. (That means put it in a bowl for later).

Using the largest knife you can find, chop up the lettuce. Don't get all Belushi— there's no need to wind up; just slice it from the top into roughly half-inch squares. Wait— you forgot to remove the heart and the outer few leaves, didn't you? Don't panic; step back, compose yourself, then see what you can do to sort the hard chunks of heart and tough green outer leaves from the rest. It's all good.

That was hard work; treat yourself to another small bong hit, or finish that first beer. Is that CD over already? Better put on the iPod; this could be a long night.

Now, where did you put those tomatoes? Dice them as well. Be extra-careful; they get pretty slippery. Apply Band-Aids as needed. Reserve. (Don't you love this chef lingo?)

Turn off that burner you left on earlier.

Ah, the avocados— here's the best way to handle them: slice one longways all the way around, then twist the halves to separate them. Whack that big knife into the pit, twist, and pull. If the avocado is ripe, it should come right out. Then scoop out each half with a big spoon and cut it up— wait, better stop that bleeding first. Yikes, that doesn't look good ... do you think it needs a stitch? Yeah, like you need that kind of trouble.

You know what? Forget about the avocado this time.

Moving on: where are we, again? Treat yourself to a little more beer while you contemplate your handiwork and your injuries. Don't get discouraged— you're actually finished! All that remains is to assemble your meal.

Now, pay attention— the sequence of ingredients is all-important:

1. Pour a layer of Fritos into a large bowl or a plate with a good lip around the edge.
2. Spoon some of the beef over the Fritos. If it's cold, take a moment to warm it up a bit so it'll melt the cheese in the next step.
3. Pinch some of the grated cheese over the beef so it melts (see?)
4. Sprinkle some of the chopped lettuce on it.
5. Dump some of the diced tomatoes on it.
6. Throw in a spoonful or two of the sour cream/yogurt.
7. Pour salsa over the top.
8. Stir, and let it all get kind of soggy and goopy.
9. Now is the time for a nice, big bong hit and/or a generous pull of beer.
10. Adjust ingredients to taste, adding more of each in turn until you end up with an identically constituted but much larger serving.

Enjoy!